On Sunday, the Football World Cup begins, with the host nation, and football colossus, Qatar taking on the equally mighty Ecuador, in a tournament of 32 teams, 64 games and absolutely no funny business whatsoever on the terraces. We won’t go into the controversies surrounding the award of the World Cup, we’re here for the football only, so let’s Football Focus.
Every 4 years, 32 qualifying nations compete for the World Cup Trophy. It’s a massive gold thing, shaped slightly phallically, and weighs as much as a brown paper bag stuffed with used dollars. And every World Cup, England think they have a chance of winning it. It’s that same misdirected optimism and blind belief in a bunch of overpaid prima donnas that got the Tories voted in. We never learn.
Wales have qualified for the World Cup for the first time since 1958. Around the world, Wales are known by many names. In English, it’s Wales. In French, Pays De Galles. The Germans call it Walhaz (and it would have been known as that if the Americans hadn’t turned up, right??) and the Italians call it Il Galles. In Wales, they are called Gareth Bale. They wear red and they sing beautifully. Check out their national anthem. It’s brilliant. If you’re standing near a Welshman whilst they sing the national anthem, take an umbrella. There will be a lot of phlegm. And tears. They get VERY emotional.
To make the World Cup more exciting, more money in brown paper bags was handed over, and in Group B (there are 8 groups of 4 teams) England were drawn in the same group as Gareth Bale. To make the group a bit easier for England and Gareth Bale, the next team to be drawn out was USA. In America, the team is known as U S A…U S A. After each chant of U S A, you have to obnoxiously shout ‘Number 1 baby’, and get drunk on weak beer. U S A…… U S A will lose to Wales and England, so they needed a team they could beat, so the next team to be drawn out of the hat was Iran. Iran isn't very good at football. But U S A… U S A will play in a gung ho style, as is their nature, and Iran will beat them. U S A….U S A will then invade Iran and build a load of McDonalds.
Brazil will probably win. They play with flair and skill. And they have the best kit. All their players have great teeth.
Argentina can suck a tailpipe. We still haven’t forgiven them for the Hand of God incident.
Germany always does well. They are well drilled. Their players generally sport terrible haircuts.
Spain play sexy football. We English hate Spain. Not because they’re better than us at football, but as teenagers, we all went to Spain on lads' holidays and fell in love with a Spanish girl. She broke our hearts. We hope Spain lose every game.
Scotland are rubbish. They are not at the World Cup. They will be supporting any team that plays England. They haven’t forgiven us for Mel Gibson. They need to let it go. He’s Australian.
France are seen as 2nd favourites. They are the current holders and will be hard to beat. They always look suave in their kits. They have a certain je ne sais pas, that I just can’t understand.
The Netherlands are dark horses. They wear orange. Nothing rhymes with orange. Never trust a team that wear a cloured shirt that you can’t rhyme to.
England wear white. They are sh....(now, now).
U S A....U S A.....will talk about assists, D fence and overtime. The rest of the world will laugh at them. U S A....U S A will cease trading with the rest of the world. Trump will rise again. The world will not be laughing anymore.
Whatever happens, sit back and enjoy all the football over the next 4 weeks. Good luck to your team (unless you are Spanish. Or Argentinian), and remember…..it’s coming home, it’s coming, footballs coming home (if your home is Rio De Janeiro).